Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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