Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
