he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
