I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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