pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
