In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
