Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
