Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
