You smell like stripper and shame
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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