My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
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Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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