you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
