i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
