Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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