I showed him my bush... on skype.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
