My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dicks are not precious.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
