While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
