someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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