i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
