My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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