she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
