I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
