i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
