I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
