i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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