my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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