i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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