remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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