I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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