He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Alive.
So much puke
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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