I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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