I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
