Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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