The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm getting married
To pizza
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
