I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
