I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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