homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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