I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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