I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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