Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
