So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
