i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
