Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
