I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
