I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
