I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
