My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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