Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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