I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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