i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
