You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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