Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
