If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
