he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
