when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he was CRYING into my vagina
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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