I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
