An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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