I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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