Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
